Vikki Pratley
Chronicle Law would like to thank Vikki Pratley for showcasing her article with us originally from her Mindfully Legal newsletter on Linked In. Vikki Pratley is the non-practising solicitor behind ‘The StressLess Coach’ .
“If we are being rude, it probably means we are feeling bad about ourselves.”
I recently read this in a parenting forum where a teenager offered their wisdom.
That hit home.
It reminded me of a few negative interactions I’ve seen described online recently – either posts where someone goes out of their way to be harsh about someone else (that one brought me to tears) and two others where people are describing negative approaches via private messaging.
My first reaction? Frustration. Shock.
But then, I remembered that teenager’s insight and thought… what if this isn’t about them at all?
How often do we experience this in leadership and life?
A sharp comment in a meeting.
An unkind email.
A dismissive response.
It’s easy to take it personally, to let it chip away at our confidence or energy. But what if, instead, we saw it for what it likely is?
A reflection of them, not us.
A moment where they’re struggling.
Not a moment that defines our worth.
Why Does This Matter for Leaders?
I remember when I was burning out….
My patience was thin, my kindness was inconsistent, and my sharpness sometimes cut deeper than I intended.
People around me were accepting my behavior – probably out of kindness – but I know they were also forming negative views about it in their minds.
I could see it in their expressions sometimes, but I didn’t have the mental capacity to process it or reflect on it.
And you know what?
It didn’t work out well for me.
I lost trust, connections, and the ability to lead in the way I truly wanted to.
That doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior – it means not absorbing it.
Not letting it trigger us.
Instead, we can reframe our response with kindness and understanding.
Because chances are, they need that far more than we need to react.
If they’re feeling bad about themselves already, do we want to reinforce that?
Or be the person who offers something different?
The OK Corral: A Game-Changer in Leadership
What is the OK Corral Model?
It’s a powerful psychological model that helps us understand the different ways people interact – whether from a position of mutual respect or from a place of conflict and insecurity.
At its core, the OK Corral helps us assess where we and others are operating from at any given moment. The model presents four key positions:
- I+ U+ (I’m OK, You’re OK): This is the ideal leadership stance. You have confidence in yourself and trust in others. Your behaviours are collaborative, constructive, and solution-focused. Leaders in this mindset respond to challenges with emotional intelligence, fostering a positive and productive culture.
- I+ U- (I’m OK, You’re Not OK): This position can manifest as superiority or blame. A leader in this mindset might be dismissive, overly critical, or micromanaging, assuming others are incapable or at fault. (Also known as the “I’ll just do it myself because no one else can” syndrome.)
- I- U+ (I’m Not OK, You’re OK): This position often leads to insecurity, self-doubt, or imposter syndrome. Leaders in this state may struggle to assert themselves, hesitate to make decisions, or over-rely on others for validation. (You know, the ones who need three people to confirm that their email sounds “okay.”)
- I- U- (I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK): This is the most destructive state, where neither self-trust nor trust in others exists. It leads to disengagement, cynicism, and conflict-driven interactions. (Basically, the “burn it all down and start over” approach.)
By recognizing where we and others are operating from, we gain the power to shift our interactions. If someone is acting from an I+ U- place, instead of reacting defensively, we can consciously hold our ground in an I+ U+ stance—leading with confidence, understanding, and clarity rather than frustration or fear.
Want to Learn More?
If you’d like to explore how the OK Corral can enhance your interactions, create a healthier culture, and balance kindness with high performance, reach out to me here vikki@skylark.life or on my website
Let’s build a culture where we respond, not react.
Yours,
Vikki [your guide to reframing the noise] Pratley